Without You
by ohhimyky
Summary: She couldn't make sense of the things that were meant for her, but she was drawn to it all. And when she was alone, she felt like the moon: terrified of the sky, but completely in love with the way it held the stars.


**Disclaimer**: All copyrights belong to their appropriate parties; I do not own anything.

**Summary**: "She could not make sense of the things that were meant for her, but she was drawn to it all. And when she was alone, she felt like the moon: terrified of the sky, but completely in love with the way it held the stars."

**A/N: **I've always loved this quote and wanted to incorporate it into a story. I felt like out of all my fandoms, Botan was the perfect fit for it. This story takes on a more angst portrayal of Botan's personality.

**Anime**: Yu Yu Hakusho

**Pairing**: Botan x Kurama

* * *

"The prettiest smiles hide the deepest secrets. The prettiest eyes have cried the most tears. And the kindest hearts have felt the most pain."

* * *

It didn't make sense to her:

Even when she was surrounded by her warm, closest friends, she would still feel _alone_.

And she didn't know why.

When she had first came underneath the care for Koenma, she remembered how happy she initially was; to finally be surrounded by fellow ferry-girls, fellow Reigens, fellow spirits guides… this was supposed to be the start of a whole new life for her. So she took on her new role with childlike naivety, for this was the only life she's even known.

Everyone was warm and welcoming. Everyone was bubbly and cheerful. Everyone seemed so _normal_. And so, she tried to assimilate as best as she could in order to fit in.

She turned out to be as bright and lively as her trade-mark cerulean hair.

She was as sweet and innocent as her unique amethyst eyes.

She was as delicate in demeanor as her pale pink kimono.

And so, around the other girls, she'd fit right in, gossiping and laughing with the rest of them. Around the endless souls that she was responsible to ferry, she'd tried her best, extending a consoling and sympathy nature as she flew them over the Synx river. And regardless of the cruel backlash she would get from many passed souls, she was always smiling. For she was death. And she was still loved.

But she always felt alone.

And this feeling always made itself aware the moment she closed herself in her small apartment quarters. She would find herself sinking to the floor against the hard surface of her front door, smile slowly fading, gazing aimlessly of the dark overcast room that surrounded her being. Instantly, the cheerful façade would break. And like the room, her thoughts would darken. She would darken. And she couldn't escape it.

She had everything she could ever wanted… everything she ever needed; food, shelter, friends, a purpose. She had people who cared for her, people who _loved_ her.

But she was still alone.

'_Is this the way death was supposed to feel?'_

* * *

"**Found you when your heart was broke.**

**I filled your cup until it overflowed.**

**Took it so far to keep you close.**

**I was afraid to leave you on your own."**

* * *

Throughout the years, she had matured.

Her child-like face became more defined with age, her amethyst eyes hardened with experience, her demeanor was met with more confidence. But her warm, somewhat ditzy and innocent façade in front of people remained. She still wanted all those around her to be happy, so she tried to remain as energetic and cheerful as possible, pushing down her feelings of loneliness she would always feel around the presence of others. But often more than not, what she truly desired was to just be my herself. Alone. Where she could be herself.

"There is nothing with being alone," Kurama, aka Minamino Shuichi, had muttered softly to her one day as the gang gazed out into the ocean front view in front of them. He turned his head slightly to met her questioning gaze from where he stood next to her. "It's easy to stand with the crowd, but it takes courage to stand alone."

Beautiful, jeweled-colored eyes looked curiously over at the fox. "I don't mind being alone. I just hate the feeling of feeling alone."

A smile. "Then whenever you are feeling alone, you can call upon me." His eyes softened with sincere affection as his gazed mirrored hers. "For when I am with you… I never feel alone."

* * *

"**I said I'd catch you if you fall. **

**And if they laugh, then fuck them all.**

**And then I got you off your knees, **

**Put you right back on your feet.**

**Just so you could take advantage of me."**

* * *

They laid on her bed silently, facing each other in a comfortable silence within the darkness of her bedroom.

She couldn't remember when this relationship had started, but one day when she had felt alone, she had called him. And he came. And as the weeks went on, awkwardness melted into normalcy and his visits became routine. Their actions were always simple and innocent, yet pulling them closer than ever before.

"You are my friend, Botan," he explains smoothly, touching her hand softly with his. Although there was a comfortable distance between the two, she still felt the heat radiating off of the body. "You're always helping and giving to others, without wanting anything in return. It's okay to be selfish. There is nothing wrong with being selfish."

And she couldn't meet his idle gaze.

"I only give because I know how it feels to want."

* * *

"**Tell me how it feels, sitting up there.**

**Feeling so high, but too far away to hold me. **

**You know I'm the one who put you up there. **

**Name in the sky, does it ever get lonely?"**

* * *

She couldn't explain what he meant to her.

For Kurama was another dear friend, who wanted to see her happy. Like everyone else did.

_Perhaps he just showed it in a different way? _

Because, actually, he was different as well.

His deep emerald eyes reflected the harsh reality of living a double life, the feelings of isolation and detachment. Kurama was someone who was kind to everyone; and yet kept everyone at a distance. Whether that be for everyone's safety…or his own… she did not know.

_Perhaps both? _

Because even with her, he still kept a distance.

But then again, so did she with him.

They sat on her balcony in Reikai, silently sipping tea as they gazed into the Reikai sunset. She was casually leaning against a wooden rail the bordered the circumference, and he was leaning against the stone wall adjacent to her door. And her thoughts are lost, watching the beginnings of the night sky, eagerly waiting for the red-blood cast across the horizon to darken.

"I wonder if there will be a full sky tonight," she wonders quietly, out loud. But the kitsune ultra-sensitive hearing was still able to pick up her soft voice. "I hope a lot of stars will come out."

"Star light, star bright," he chuckles lightly, "First star I see tonight."

She looks back at him ambiguously, and he explains, "It is a Ningen nursery rhyme. Based on a superstition of hopes that wishes will be granted upon seeing a shooting star… or upon the first star of the night, I guess."

She lets out a sound of understanding, and turns her attention back to the night sky, which was quickly darkening into a deep purple hue. "I'll have to try it then."

The two souls stay in peace a bit longer, until the sun completely sets and the stars are lit.

"Did you make a wish?" he inquires softly as he tucks her into bed. He tries to keep a straight face, but her adorable bunnies pajamas are making it hard for him to keep his normal, serious composure.

But she shakes her head no. "I was too distracted by the sky."

_I just wanted to fly._

* * *

"**Thinking you can live without me."**

* * *

The next day, she found happiness.

And this happened when she was alone, scheduled to ferry a few souls wondering around Maikai.

The Reikai beauty had decided to take a quick break, to venture out to a nearby clearing where there was a breath-taking waterfall cascading down a meadow of greenery. Although she was in Maikai, she was not afraid, for being in spirit form grants her all the protection she needs from nearby prying demon. But it was en route to get closer to the clearing was when she had found it.

Hidden behind a bush, and shivering from injury, was a baby kit. At first, it's small whimper for help was so pitiful and pathetic, she had thought that it was the sound of the wind blowing by. But upon closer inspection, she saw him, and gold eyes met amethyst.

He was a small thing, fur in disarray and bloodied, with what seemed to be an injured paw at first glance. He was curled up upon itself, white fur dirtied and muddied, trying to keep warm despite the cool temperature that day. And no doubt, the poor thing was probably starving.

Botan crouched down to his eye level, careful to not startled the small creature.

"Hello, little one," Botan whispered in wonder, "Are you okay?"

The little kitsune must had been close to death, for he was able to turn his little head slowly towards the deity – something that only the dying or death can be able to see.

The little kit mewed sadly and looked at the stranger with defensive eye. Immediately, he tried to stand, but had no energy left it him to even move.

"It's okay," Botan cooed, approaching closer to the demon pup. Unconsciously, she shifted, commanding her spirit form to recede and allowed herself to enter a tangible body, "I promise I won't hurt you."

When the kit sensed a physical body (and the kindness and warmth radiating off of said body), he immediately relaxed. Curiously, the kit watched in pain as he waited for the blue-haired stranger's next steps. And he melted into her as she wrapped her arms around him lovingly and lifted him up.

There was a glow from her hands, the suddenly a tingly sensation flew through the kit's body. _Spirit energy_, he recognized immediately. _But healing spirit energy. _The kind stranger was healing him, and soon, his aches and pains slowly drifted into a tolerable dullness. However, even after she finished, Botan still held the small animal in her arms.

"Are you alone, little guy?" Botan asked to the pup gently. Thee little pup looked away at her pitifully, as pitiful as a demon baby can. Botan gave him a soft smile, and raised the demon pup to her cheeks, cooing softly. "How about you come home with me? We can get you cleaned up and something to eat, sounds good?"

The pup yelped happily in response.

* * *

"**Thinking you can live without me.**

**Baby, I'm the one who put you up there. **

**I don't know why."**

* * *

Rue, the little kitsune's new name, was in a fuss as he engaged in a staring contest with the strange man in front of him.

Although this new man was a kitsune as well, Rue was taking no chances with this new intruder and he protective nature took over, immediately in defense mood to protect his new master.

Rue let out a warning growl. Kurama halted in his tracks as he was walking through the door, eyes on the unexpected ball of fur blocking his way.

"Grrrrrrrrrrrr," Rue growled protectively.

Translation: _take one further step and you'll be sorry._

Kurama quirks a humored eyebrow at the little ball of fluff, and his head lifted to eye Botan, who was currently sit on her bed and looking on at the scene amusingly.

"New pet?"

Botan smiled her adorable smile and patted the spot next to her, "Come here, Rue-kun."

The obedient fox ended his glare down with the older kitsune and ran to his master's side. Cuddling sweetly against her thigh, the little kit purred before remembering that there was an intruder present; and his little gold eyes fixed menacingly at the red head.

"I found him injured on one of my assignments, and we became totally smitten with each other," the blue-haired deity explained with a twinkle in her eyes. She gathered up Rue on her arms and went to nuzzle his cheek against her nose. Rue purrs in delight. "Isn't he just precious?"

"Precious," Kurama replied, taking a step forward. Immediately, Rue raised his head and growled, causing to older kitsune to stop dramatically, raising his hands in the air in mock defeat. "My, my. Protective little guy, isn't he?"

Botan threw her head back and laughed whole-heartedly, reaching up to pet the kit on his head. Kurama takes a minute to take in the beautiful scene in front of his, watching that twinkle appear in her amethyst eyes. "He's still a baby. I, however, haven't have the first clue on how to train a kitsune."

"Which is why you called upon me."

"I knew you wouldn't mind."

* * *

"**I don't know why…"**

* * *

Although Rue gets used to Kurama coming around frequently, he still does not trust the infamous thief. And he tried to let his opinions be known one night while Botan was giving him a bath.

"Yip, yip," Rue explains, hoping that his Reikai mother was getting where he was coming from. However, his efforts were futile, for the blue-haired grim reaper didn't seem to be comprehending him, so he decided to just sit back in the sink while Botan continued to lather his white fur with the lavender-scented shampoo.

"You known Rue," Botan started suddenly, rinsing away the suds carefully, "You remind me a lot of Kurama-kun."

The little kitsune ears shot up in distress and he was quick to start splashing around his warm bath water. Obviously, he did not appreciate the comparison. Botan gasped shockingly, trying to shield herself from the flying water droplets. "Rue-kun ! Bad fox!"

At her serious tone, Rue stopped his ministrations, before climbing up the sink to give his Reikai mother an apologetic lick to her cheek. At his adorable apology, Botan cooed, reaching over for a fluffy towel, and effectively picking up the wet fox and wrapping him snuggling within in.

"Do don't like Kurama-kun, Rue-kun?"

"Yurp!" _Duh._

An eyebrow quirk, "Why not, boy?"

"Yip, yip!" _Bad man!_

"Hmm." Botan frown, wishing that she had an animal translator built into her communication device. "But you like me right?"

"Yip!" _No, mommy. I love you._

Botan smiled, rubbing with little furry head as he carried him into her bedroom. "Me too, boy."

As if on cue, her communicator buzzed from where it sat on her night stand. Wet fox in one arm, she reached over with her other to flip open the small device.

Vibrant green eyes showed up on the screen. Rue let out a small whine as Botan flashed a small smile.

"Good evening, Kurama-kun," she greeted cheerfully, setting the communicator down open so she could start drying the poor, wet Rue (whose little gold eyes were currently having a staring contest with the small device, "Sup?"

"Hello Botan," the red-head greeted politely, before smiling smugly. "Hello, Rue-kun."

"Grrr."

"Yusuke wanted to see if that gang can meet at the ramen shop this upcoming weekend," Kurama continued casually, ignoring the small growling that filled the air, "He asked me to reach out to you to see if you and Koemna –"

"Yip!"

"—and Rue," the kitsune interjected humorously, "can attend."

Botan's face light as, for it has been a while since she has seen her Ningen friends. She looked over at Rue who blinked back at her. "I don't know about Koenma-sama, but you can count us in."

Kurama grinned. "I'll pick you up Saturday then."

* * *

A/N: This story will be more Botan-centric, with a bit of romance splashed here and there. Review please


End file.
